Stuff And Nonsense

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Sara Crawford’s 30 Day Writing Challenge: 1

Published May 5, 2014 by Carmen Lamiarum

A good friend of mine has recently published a 30 day writing challenge in the form of an e-book on amazon (which you can find here). I’m going to attempt the challenges. While I may not be in a position to do one per day, I have read the entirety of the book and believe I can at least do them numerically. While in the past I’ve privately attempted poetry and photography challenges, I’ve never done anything like this, and I hope it will assist me in getting back into writing on a regular basis. I plan to number each challenge and begin it with the prompt.

“Write in stream of consciousness for 10 minutes without stopping.”

Does “without stopping” mean I can’t vape? I’m gonna need to vape. I can’t think without inhaling something other than oxygen. Can I stop to fix typos? Well, I’m going to. I hate typos. I wonder if I should have left Opal’s light on when I came downstairs. He’s not accustomed to having a light on or off. It’s just always dark in my room. But three blackout curtains plus blinds on each window will do that. I wonder if it’s strange that Opal likes to organize his rocks and sleeps in the corner closest to the TV. Maybe fish like TV. I wonder if he can hear it playing while we sleep. It’d be nice to be a goldfish. Just kinda hang out, eat ground up fishy flakes, enjoy the bubbles, watch some TV, and poop neon pink. Comparatively speaking, do you think it’d be better to be a cat or a fish? Well, at least my fish has it pretty good, and were I to also have a cat, which I unfortunately do not, Opal would be safe from all harm. His new tank is so tall that I had to stand on my toes to wipe down the bottom of it once it was all put together. I hope I cleaned it well enough. I hope I did everything right. Of course, now I’m worried because I got a filter for a 40 gallon tank, and his new tank is 45 gallons. But if he can survive in water that’s mysteriously turned pink (having nothing to do with his poop, I assure you), I think he can handle a 45 gallon tank with a 40 gallon filtration system. I mean, the damn fish could survive an apocalypse. Eww, another typo. a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e. Shows how much concern I have over the idea of one if I can’t even spell it right. Correctly? Right? Eh, whatever. apocalypse is a pretty word though. One of those words that sounds weird if you think about it too much. But it makes me think of Calypso. Now was she the one in The Odyssey? I know, I know, Pirates of the Caribbean (holy shit, I spelled Caribbean right? No way.) but I’m always more of a fan of the true classics. I think she was the one at the top of the mountain who turned all of Odysseus’s men into pigs and goats and stuff, right? Am I allowed to stop and verify that with my spouse? (I almost wrote my partner’s name. Don’t do that.) I only have two minutes left, so I guess I can ask him after, and if I’m wrong then I’ll just correct myself at the end of the post. Instagram. Can I instagram my fish? Is that a thing? I loathe taking selfies after hearing that disgusting club song M****** played for me after work a couple weeks ago. Today he was threatening to play it in the car. I’d rather hear Godzilla or In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida…is that how you spell that? If it’s a typo, I’m coming back to fix it. Oh. Out of time. Now let’s go back and see what kind of weird crap I think about over the course of ten minutes. I wonder what it’d say about who I am as a person. Holy shit, I actually shrugged in real life…


~ Circe was the name of the witch at the top of the mountain (or clearing in the woods or whatever) that turned Odysseus’s men into pigs and monkeys and goats and stuff. Apologies for not taking a refresher course in Greek mythology over the last ten years.

~ Calypso is the one who keeps Odysseus prisoner on her island of women, claiming him as her husband and keeping his occupied with her sweet singing voice and warm bedside manner.

~ I didn’t vape for ten minutes. Not really an accomplishment as I sometimes go hours without vaping, but I just thought I’d add it in because I completely forgot all about it.

~ Before and after pictures of Opal’s tank:


Opal’s used 10 gallon tank with no lid, stand, or light.



Opal’s new 45 gallon aquarium with bubbly pillars. I also custom made a background that’ll be here in a week-ish.


And Jill Came Tumbling After

Published May 3, 2014 by Carmen Lamiarum

I haven’t written anything since Halloween last year. So pathetic. I hardly ever write in my journal anymore either. It’s only at the request of a friend that I plan to eventually hand write something this weekend. Letters have been promised and never delivered. Paper-filled notebooks sit in stacks by my computer, staring blankly. Yes, a pun.

So many things have happened. The world has turned upside down and right side up and upside down again. I’ve been on the edge of the cliff and back. Climbed to the highest cloud only to fall right through it. Has it really been only seven months? The definition of life itself can change so entirely in that short of a time frame? I am baffled.

I’ll gloss over what I can as quickly as possible. It is not my intention today to write a novel.

In November I became sick to the point of hospitalization, coinciding almost perfectly with the arrival of out of town family. The seemable lack of concern over my health was disheartening to me and frustrating to my spouse, but nevertheless, I recovered well enough shortly after their departure.

December was cold, I guess. And tense. Christmas was a quiet affair, as we unwrapped presents by the tree, just the two of us, before heading out for our traditional Christmas Day Chinese Buffet meal. At this point we had a short term roommate. A good friend of both of ours. Having him around was nice, as I enjoyed the comfort of having someone else in the house without the intrusiveness of having someone in the room constantly. My partner would go to work, I would focus on my failing business, and our roommate would sit in his room playing video games.

January was almost the end of everything. My business venture was officially a flop, having been promised a multitude of commissions, none of which actually panned out. The cold was keeping me constantly indoors, and my spouse was getting more at wits end with my lack of job by the day, and understandably so. While he simply wished for me to keep my word and help our family, I was more focused on finding a position that would make me happy. Something I could be proud of. In today’s society, I guess there’s no room for that. Eventually the D word was spoken, and I felt the weight of the world come crashing down on my head.

It’s unfair to sum up January to that end. Especially when that’s right about the time everything changed for the better. It was in January, toward the end, that everything came to a head and life as I knew it was completely redefined. You see, my partner had begun going to therapy. I had a new therapist as well, but was still not on any medication, as my previous doctor closed her practice last July. I attended a therapy session with my partner and his therapist in a last ditch effort to save whatever we had left. She recommended me to a new doctor, and everything took off like a rocket.

Suddenly I had a new doctor that I really liked, who re-diagnosed me and put me on medications that have worked miracles. Within days of that occurrence, I managed to get in contact with the owner of a local vape store, and was offered the job of a lifetime. One of my best friends and the girlfriend of my roommate moved in part time to be with him, which offered a vast amount of support and happiness. It was surreal that within the course of less than a week, everything had gone from so so so bad to so so so good. I was happy. My partner was happy. And our marriage was on the up and up.

February, everything was good. Valentine’s Day was subtle, but sweet. I still have the card he gave me. It’s a poodle sitting on a pile of bones and says, “The nice little things you do really stack up. Thank you.” He included a little love letter that I keep as a daily reminder of when he had faith in us again.

March, everything was even better. I was absolutely in love with my job, my medications were proving to have lasting positive effects, and we were really moving forward as a couple. I believe to heights we have never attained before.

April was beautiful. Finally, the warmth of spring was here, making me even more happy than I already was. I saw that the dogwood sapling we bought at the festival last year had made it through it’s first winter, and it felt symbolic of the ups and downs that had finally brought my spouse and I to the loving place we are now. As a birthday gift to my partner, we took a trip to Tybee Island for a weekend, renting a beautiful little beach cottage and all in all having a wonderful romantic time together (except for the shark. But that’s a different story.)

It’s now 11:14PM, May 3rd. I was fired yesterday. I’ve never been fired from a job before, and it was quite a shocking experience. I personally believe that my termination was due to pre-planned manipulation and a simple miscommunication. I won’t go into the details of it here. All I will say is that I feel hurt, betrayed, angry, sad…and what’s a more polite way to say “screwed over”? My partner is being exceptionally sympathetic, empathetic (two different things), and seems just as shocked and hurt as I am. My anxiety still lingers in the back of my mind saying, “Find a job as fast as you can so things will stay good!” My depression says, “You’ll never find another job that makes you as happy as that one did. You’re doomed to a miserable dead end career.” I’m trying hard not to listen to those thoughts. I think I might try to get out of town for a little bit, just to clear my head. Then I guess it’s back to the drawing board. My spouse has two rather large ideas/suggestions that might resolve the issue of my employment. Seeing as I suddenly have my weekend free, he and I will take that time to discuss our options.

And I’ve asked my blog host site to remind me to post something at least once a week. I’m going to try my best not to do this again. I need to write when things are bad AND when they’re good.


DeejStuff Vape Juices: A Review

Published October 3, 2013 by Carmen Lamiarum

Well the Deejstuff juices I ordered have arrived and I picked up some spare tanks to test them all out and tell you what I think. My partner is helping me write this review, as he picked some of the flavors, so here we go:

What We Ordered:

~ 1 30ml bottle of “Honeysuckle” flavored juice. 8mg/ml nicotine. 70%PG/30%VG. “Push” (or 150% flavor strength)

~ 6 15ml bottles in the following flavors: “Lavender”, “Honeyed Figs”, “Dragon’s Nectar”, “Green Tea Honey Drops”, “Banana Nut Bread”, and “Watermelon Angel’s Breath”. All of them are 8mg/ml nicotine. 70%PG/30%VG. “Push” (or 150% flavor strength)

Total cost: $52.65 with free shipping over $50.

What We Are Using:

I am using a SMOK SID battery set at 4.5 volts. My spouse is using a Provari V2 set at 3.5 volts. We are also sharing a SmokTech E-pipe mod. All of the tanks we will use are Vision’s Vivi Novas with 2.4 ohm wicks. The tanks are new and have not been exposed to other flavors prior to our review.

Ordering and Shipping:

Gotta say, the website is fantastic. I love the way the juices are categorized and the menu has a simple and effective interface. The ability to create your own six pack of juices was also something I rarely see and greatly enjoy. Makes writing reviews like this much easier. The names for some of the custom juices were creative without being so obscure as to hide what the flavors are, and the descriptions of each flavor type are informative and to-the-point. I also really like that you can choose a “flavor strength” when you place your order. 100% is “normal”, 125% is “extra”, 150% is “push”, 175% is “nuclear”, and 200% is “apocalyptic”.

As for shipping…well, everything arrived pretty much when it should have. I was prepared to give a little leeway considering the government shutdown, but the juices still arrived in a timely fashion. Each bottle is marked with the date the juice was mixed (9/26, same day that we ordered) and they arrived 10/2. So from start to finish, it took six days (four business days) for our order to arrive. Not bad at all. Each bottle was shipped in an individual little bag, I guess to prevent any potential leaks from getting all over all the juices. The only negative thing I can say about the shipping process is that four out of the seven bottles did arrive having leaked a little bit inside the bags. The bottles and caps were inspected by us and nothing seems damaged. I think it was just a matter of the caps being screwed on loosely. But really, the leaking wasn’t too bad.


The Flavors:

~ Honeysuckle

What the website says: “If you ever loved the taste of Honeysuckle Nectar as a kid, you are going to LOVE this vape! It’s truly amazing!”

What we think: Honeysuckle, to me, doesn’t really taste like honeysuckle. But that’s not to say that it isn’t absolutely fantastic, and my chosen flavor of the month! I’ve already gone through four bottles of this stuff prior to ordering from DeejStuff directly, and I love love love this flavor. It walks a really thin line between not exactly floral and not exactly fruity. It does have a honeysuckle-ish flavor to it, but I would describe it as the taste of the SMELL of honeysuckle. Not the nectar itself. It also bites the tongue just a little bit. I wouldn’t say it’s spicy but you get a little tingle on the tip of your tongue. It’s really nice, really refreshing, and does invoke memories of myself as a child, running around the backyard in the southern summer heat.

~ Watermelon Angel’s Breath

What the website says: “Inspired by ECF’s AngelsBreath, this is a blending of Watermelon and Honeysuckle that simply must be tasted to be believed. It really is like the breath of an Angel! Well… WE think so, anyway! ”

What we think: It’s subtle and refreshing. I like it. I don’t love it, but I like it. If you’re looking for “real” watermelon flavor as opposed to “candy-ish” watermelon flavor, this is not going to do it for you. (But so far, I’ve yet to find a “real” watermelon vape flavor from anyone.) I can taste the sweet candy-like flavoring of the watermelon, and while the honeysuckle mix still gives you that little bite, it’s not as prevalent as I would personally like. However, I could certainly see myself reaching for this flavor in the spring and summer. The flavor is bold without being overpowering. And it gives a really nice throat hit.

~ Dragon’s Nectar

What the website says: “Dragons near and far all seek the elusive Dragon’s Nectar…Created with help from ECF’s own Spud006 Dragon’s Nectar is a blend of Dragonfruit, Peach, Cantaloupe, Watermelon and Green Tea.”

What we think: Whoo boy, what a delicious and complex flavor! The dragonfruit and the peach are certainly the frontrunners of this puzzling juice, but the cantaloupe and watermelon play a crucial role as well. I feel like the green tea serves as a sort of base for all these other flavors to stand on, and works as a nice comfortable after taste. Really, vaping this juice is like going on an adventure. I’m not sure what I’m going to taste the most each time I inhale. My only suggestion is to rename this juice to reference hobbits. Cause really, the words “there and back again” are on a loop in my mind. I totally dig this bold and complex flavor combo!

~ Banana Nut Bread

What the website says: “Banana nut bread. How can you go wrong?”

What we think: Believe me, Deej…you CAN go wrong! Fortunately for you, you haven’t. Banana Nut Bread is my spouse’s favorite flavor, and we’ve tried this flavor from a few other sites and stores. But yours goes above and beyond and is, undoubtedly, the best. First of all, it’s a flavor that actually tastes like the thing it’s made to taste like. I know that might sound silly, but it’s a rare occurrence. It’s a perfect balance of banana (that tastes like “real” banana, not “candy” banana), nuts (warm but not overpowering), and a slight hint of ground cinnamon…and maybe some nutmeg? I’m not sure, but I taste something else there. Just a little bit. Either way, it’s a great fall/winter flavor. I’m personally not partial to “warm” or “cake-like” flavors, but this one is fantastic. I can almost taste the crunchy outside and soft mushy inside of actual banana nut bread. Great job!

~ Green Tea Honey Drop

What the website says: “Green Tea sweetened with Honey!”

What we think: I was a little skeptical of this flavor at first. It was a toss up between this one or the peach champagne though, and I was really curious to know what exactly DeejStuff thought green tea should taste like. I was really expecting to feel like I was vaping a cough drop. But I was certainly wrong. It’s warm, subtle, crisp, and refreshing. The balance between the honey and the green tea is spot on. It’s also pretty thought-provoking. I’m swarmed by mental images and memories from every season, all of them peaceful and pleasant. I would recommend this flavor as a year-round choice, and for people who place a high value in feeling calm and comfortable.

~ Honeyed Figs

What the website says: “Figs and honey. An ancient combination… but still oh! so good!”

What we think: If the only fig you’ve ever tried is a “Fig Newton”, go out and buy the real thing so you can taste it before you buy this juice. It really tastes JUST like figs! The honey is actually a little more subtle in this one, but I like that. It just sweetens up the fig taste a little, and serves as a great complimentary flavor. For some reason, figs have always reminded me of old things that make me happy. Like antique stores. Or my grandma. You know, a little on the weird side, but welcoming and unforgettable. This flavor doesn’t miss the mark. I really really enjoy this, and would probably use it after a nice meal as a sort of dessert flavor.

~ Lavender

What the website says: “Ever think you could vape Lavender? Now you can! Let the soothing flavor and aroma be a part of your vaping experience!”

What we think: Honestly, I was scared to try this flavor. But it was also the one I was most excited about. I had in my mind this memory of visiting a good friend in Seattle and getting a honey lavender milkshake (first time I ever actually ate lavender anything) and it was so ridiculously good that I thought nothing would be able to compare. Well this vape juice is totally different, but just as good. It has a similar level of bite that the honeysuckle has, and tastes just the way lavender smells…which lavender smells just the way it tastes, so I’d call that a win. I really like that it’s floral, but not in an old-lady-perfume-headache kinda way. It’s floral in a new-age-yoga-pants kinda way. A hint of sweetness, a dash of floral, and just a tad spicy, this is a perfect flavor for the local dogwood festival in springtime.


The website is great, the shipping is fast, and the juices are stellar. The fact that all the juices are made in the USA just totally makes my day. The only real negative was the issue with the caps not being on tight enough. Everything else was simply fantastic, and I can’t wait to place my next order. I will certainly be passing out the business cards that were included in my order to my other vaping friends. 4.5/5!!! (Please make a lavender honey flavor? Please?)

To check out DeejStuff vape juices and place an order of your own, visit


Going in Different Directions

Published September 23, 2013 by Carmen Lamiarum

Well, if you’re on my friends list on Facebook, you may have noticed the rather disheartening review I posted about VapeRite yesterday. If you’re NOT…here’s what I had to say:

“My husband and I have been loyal customers, promoting your business by word of mouth, pretty much since you opened. However, we have decided that we are going to start going elsewhere for our supplies, after the way we have been treated the last few times we’ve been into your Woodstock location. I don’t understand why we have to wait for the employees to stop chatting before we can place a juice order. Nor why we have to wait ten more minutes after our order has been placed in the pick-up bin before someone thinks to give it to us. Nor why we’re always being charged for the “free” flavors of the week. We understand that things work a little more slowly when businesses are busy. But this isn’t an issue of a back up. This is just abhorrent customer service. I hope you will note that you are no longer the only supplier of vape products in the area, and that if you continue treating people like they don’t matter, they will go elsewhere.”

So while I will certainly not be going back to smoking cigarettes, we have decided we will no longer do business with VapeRite. No worries, though…we have tons of other places (both locally and online) to choose from.

Today was actually an exciting day as far as vaping was concerned. First, my package was delivered from We’ve ordered juices, tanks, and other things from them twice now. Both times, our orders have arrived within three days. Today I got three new tanks (we’re partial to the Pyrex ViVi Novas), two in purple and one in pink. I also got a new battery called the Smok SID. I really liked it online because a) it’s purple, b) it goes up to six volts (the E-Vic I was using before only went up to five, and I like a really hot hit.) and c) it was less that half the price of the ProVari, which I (of course) wanted because it’s purple. I had never seen or used one before, but the reviews were good, and the price was better. I’ve been using it all afternoon, and so far, I love it. Variable voltage from 3 volts all the way up to 6. White LED interface, and a simplistic menu. Nicey nice.

Then, on the way to visit my in-laws, we stopped over at Vulcan Vape’s new Atlanta location. They’ve only been open a week now, and while their storefront looks a little on the sparse side, they have a vast array of different juices from different manufactures. And of course you can sample any of their juices before you buy. We found three awesome new flavors that we love: Honeysuckle, Midnight Apple, and Gambit. All made by different companies (Deej Stuff, Halo, and Five Pawns, respectively). I was dying to try out the Honeysuckle in one of my new tanks, but unfortunately, I had left all but one at home, and I had JUST filled it with more Blackberry Bourbon (sold at Dixie’s Vapor Shop and manufactured by USA Puff N Stuff) right before we left. So as soon as I got home, I filled up my new pink tank, and that’s what I’m puffing on right now. 🙂

Of course, my partner and I were sitting here in the office, vaping away, talking vape stuff, and just being excited in general about all our new goodies. This sparked a quick internet search, and we came across an awesome website called It’s essentially a rating and review site for all kinds of different juices from different companies. (I already watched a video review on a juice called Squid Ink, and will be ordering a bottle or three of it asap. Not only that, but the manufacture’s Kraken logo would make the most kick ass back piece in all of ever.)

Anyway, when I first started vaping, I was impressed with my little pink eGo-C Twist battery and lanyard. Over the months though, I’ve found that it’s just not enough. I have become a serious vape enthusiast and my collection of juices and products are growing all the time. I even have a little treasure chest, separate from my purple eGo travel case, to store everything. Here’s an updated picture of what I’m using as of today. It includes my purple battery, pink tank, custom drip tip, bottle of Honeysuckle vape juice, and travel case.


It’s Been A Long Time Coming

Published August 10, 2013 by Carmen Lamiarum

Well I haven’t written anything in, like, pretty much forever. Things have been super hectic lately, and now it feels like there is SO much to talk/write about and it’s all piled up so much that I don’t even know where to start. There are so many good (and bad) things that have happened and are happening…I’m so overwhelmed with it all. So in an effort to clear my head a little bit, I’m going to make a list of facts about me. I do this sometimes when I just don’t know where to start my story. If you have questions about anything I say (or if you wanna add your own list of facts about yourself, which would be so much fun to read) feel free to leave them in the comments. As always, I read every comment I get, and I try to reply to most (if not all) of them.
So…here we go!

10 Facts About Me:

1. I’m currently listening to “Breath of Life” By Florence and the Machine. Not only is it an amazing song, but every time I hear the horns in the background (when she sings, “And although I wasn’t losing my mind, there was a chorus so sublime…”) my skin crawls in the most delicious way. This whole song almost feels like a call to battle.

2. I recently bought myself an electric guitar that I have named Estella. She is a black (with glitter!) Ibanez artcore. I adore her, but I’m still hung up on Luna (the acoustic that I picked out but can’t afford at the moment.) I’ve been working diligently on learning to play guitar. As of right now, I know a bunch of chords (mostly in G) and 2.5 songs. Those songs are “Run” by Daughter (which I hope to eventually record a vocal/guitar combo cover of), “Pistolero” by Juno Reactor (super simple, minus the solo, which I’m still working on), and “The Humbling River” by Puscifer.

Estella on the left, my bass (Regina) on the right.

3. I am currently on a indefinite drinking hiatus. On my birthday I got blackout drunk at my partner’s work. I don’t remember much of anything, but I apparently ended up spending a shitfuckton of money, and showed my ass (figuratively speaking) in front of a bunch of friends, potential employers, and co-workers. It’s been a week and I’m STILL learning more rotten things I did. So because of that, I am staying completely sober for a long while. Hopefully my friends will respect me enough not to push me to drink, despite having been a pretty bad influence in the past myself.

I could be any one of these figures…just depends on when/where you’re around me.

4. I haven’t had a cigarette in a week. I would love to say it’s been two weeks, but from what I’ve been told, I smoked one on my birthday. Dammit. Instead, I’ve been using just my Vaperite e-cigarette. I came up with a new flavor all on my own, and I call it Princess Peach. It’s 60% Strawberry Pixie flavor, and 40% Peach. I also tested one of their new flavors, called Hazy Red (I’m guessing it’s a mixture of Purple Haze and Red Riding Hood) that tastes great. So I’ve been sticking to those two.

I want this purple provari battery mod SOOOO bad!

5. Recently, for the first time in…ever…I went up to Indiana (with my super awesome BFF) to visit my family, and I DID NOT get lost! I swear, every time I go up there I end up lost in some random corn field. No joke. No GPS, at night, low on gas, and a dying cell phone…lost in a fucking corn field. Every time. Or every time except this past time, actually. It was pretty awesome. Not only that, but I had a good time seeing everyone and didn’t have a single panic attack over the idea of somehow getting stuck in that socially-barren hellhole. (I hate Indy, if you can’t tell.) EDIT: I couldn’t think of a visual addition to this fact, so here’s a video of my two bio-brothers goofing off with some Rock Band gear. The intro is long, but just wait for it…they’re a trip.

6. I have a metal-singing panda named Valentine. My spouse got him for me (On Valentine’s Day, of course.) He wears boots, has a guitar, and roars/screams when you press his paw. He’s kind of epic. Just throwing that out there.

Now put some chucks and an electric guitar on him…pretty badass…

7. My current favorite move of all time is the 2008 BBC rendition of Sense and Sensibility. I watch/nap to it at least twice a week. One of my good friends got me a hard copy of it for my birthday, and I’m totally stoked about it. I have a list of “Favorite Movies of All Time”, and I kind of rotate my number one bi-monthly. The list includes (but is not limited to): The Neverending Story, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (cause Sirius Black is mega-hot), Strangeland, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and Love, Actually. Because who can hate a movie where literally nothing bad happens??? (You can argue about the boy’s mom dying, but that didn’t actually happen IN the movie. And he was kind of over it in like two seconds anyway.) EDIT: It seems we now have a mystery on our hands. I received this gift in the mail, along with a note in some kind of code. I figured I knew who sent it to me (because they’ve sent me things in code and encryption before) and I tossed the wrapping paper without figuring out what the card said. Now the person I thought it was says it wasn’t them. SO WHO GOT ME THIS AWESOME PRESENT???

8. I made the terrible terrible mistake (after seeing a rather cool episode of How It’s Made) of purchasing a jar of pickled olives stuffed with bleu cheese the other day. Never in my life have I put something so utterly disgusting in my mouth…and I once licked a penny with gasoline on it. I pride myself on having an iron stomach. Very little grosses me out for real real (not for play play), and I’ll eat pretty much any type of food you put in front of me. Apparently, pickled olives are NOT one of those foods. If you can even call those little green balls of eww a food.

9. I’m pretty sure my grandmother has disowned me. I know she’s removed me from facebook, and I haven’t heard from her over my birthday like I always have. My only guess as to why this would be is because either a) I love me some gays, and I’m pretty vocal about it, or b) I reminded her that (duh!) she’s already a grandmother. (Back story: My uncle just had a baby, and everyone was congratulating her on “finally” being a grandmother. I piped up with a congrats on the new baby, but also e-waved my hand and basically said, “Remember me and my brothers? You know…your grandkids?” I’m pretty sure that she didn’t like the idea of admitting that she’s been my grandmother since, you know, my baby brother was only days old. That and, for some stupid reason, I’ve always gotten this impression that I’m the black sheep of the extended family. Which is kinda bullshit seeing as I’ve been, generally speaking, wildly successful in life… unlike some other relatives that will go unnamed…) Maybe it IS just because I love all the gays. Or that I call bullshit when I see it (*coughbullshitcough*) I guess it’ll forever be a mystery.

Look it’s meeee!

10. Last night, my partner told me that we will be going to Myrtle Beach to celebrate my birthday! I’m tremendously excited. Not only is there a Ripley’s museum, but there’s also an aquarium. (I have unhealthy obsessions with the following: dinosaurs, outer space, marine life/deep sea stuff, and weird science.) We’re staying at The Ocean Park Resort, which, I’ve been told, has a…one of those thingys. What are those river things called again? A lazy river! You get in a floaty (with or without a cocktail) and float/ride around the resort. I’ve never been to Myrtle Beach before, so I’m really excited for this adventure. If anyone has any other ideas of cool stuff to do around there, let me know. We leave tomorrow morning, so I have to go pack. Wheee!

I can’t wait!!!

Pills (Or Why I Love Canada)

Published May 29, 2013 by Carmen Lamiarum

Well I saw my doctor today and explained to her how I was feeling. I think she was a little skeptical, but I explained that I’ve been in constant pain and a state of severe fatigue since I was 12 and she seemed to listen. She gave me a prescription for Cymbalta, and I even got my first 30 pills for free. She also wants me to continue the Abilify (which I’m getting for $2 this month…yay coupons) and stop taking the Risperdol. All in all it sounds pretty good, right? Er…not really.

You see, I may have paid $2 for a months worth of medicine THIS month. But NEXT month, the abilify would cost me $1200 and the Cymbalta $202. Which isn’t going to happen. But that’s why I love Canada. Through Northwest Pharmacy I can order the generic versions of both. A three month supply will end up costing me right around $200 for everything combined. Much much much better.

First thing I did when I got home was pop one of the Cymbalta. It’s a toss-up as to whether or not it’ll help. I was on Zoloft for awhile when I first started taking medication and it made me so jittery and restless that I’ve avoided SSRI’s ever since. I think she said that Cymbalta is an SSNRI though…? I’m not sure if that’s right. I forget. But we’ll see how it works out over the next few days.

I’m really hoping that this is going to help. While I’m not expecting any kind of magic bean by any means, I’m tired of feeling tired. So right now it all comes down to this.


A Conversation With My Anxiety

Published May 29, 2013 by Carmen Lamiarum

The first time I ever saw a therapist he told me to make a list of what my negative/anxious thoughts were, then to write down what I knew reality to be next to them. Today my new therapist told me to do something similar. She wanted me to write out a conversation with my anxiety. Address it as if it were a different person. So while it might seem totally silly to you, this blog post is for my “homework”.

Anxiety: You’re not going to clean anything today.

Me: Yeah I am. It’s part of my schedule. I need to clean.

A: But you’re so exhausted. And your back and arms and legs hurt, right? Plus, you can’t even develop a coherent thought, let alone bring order to an entire house.

M: I want to do it. S****** will be proud of me if I clean up everything.

A: Or you could treat yourself to another episode of your show while lying across the couch. Spare yourself the disappointment when no one notices your efforts.

M: My efforts will be noticed. And appreciated.

A: Doubtful. Here, why don’t I make your head cloudy and fill it with white noise? You’re thinking too much.

M: But I can’t function like that.

A: That’s the point, idiot.

M: I need to do that beserker mode thing. 20 seconds of get off your ass and just do it.

A: But you’re not going to.

M: If I say it three times it’ll be more likely to happen.

A: You’re not going to do it. You’re not going to do it. You’re not going to do it. There. Enjoy loserdom.

This whole thing seems ridiculous. Having a conversation with my anxiety seems staged and silly, because I don’t really have…er…I kinda don’t have conversations with myself like that. It’s less of a thought process and more like…like I tell myself I’m going to do something (like clean up the entire house) and suddenly I feel exhausted and tense and down on myself and…words. Even now I can’t develop a clear thought. I don’t know how to explain it. I know I should just get off my ass and get to work, but there’s always some reason not to. I’m tired. I’m in pain. My head is fuzzy and I can’t think clearly. There’s no point. No one will notice/care.

I don’t even want to post this. I’m going to because I took the time to write it. But I know a few critical minds who will scoff at me. I don’t even want to think about what they will be saying/thinking about me. I’m starting to panic just imagining it.

Anxiety: 1 billion

Me: 0

I need a cigarette.