I haven’t written anything since Halloween last year. So pathetic. I hardly ever write in my journal anymore either. It’s only at the request of a friend that I plan to eventually hand write something this weekend. Letters have been promised and never delivered. Paper-filled notebooks sit in stacks by my computer, staring blankly. Yes, a pun.
So many things have happened. The world has turned upside down and right side up and upside down again. I’ve been on the edge of the cliff and back. Climbed to the highest cloud only to fall right through it. Has it really been only seven months? The definition of life itself can change so entirely in that short of a time frame? I am baffled.
I’ll gloss over what I can as quickly as possible. It is not my intention today to write a novel.
In November I became sick to the point of hospitalization, coinciding almost perfectly with the arrival of out of town family. The seemable lack of concern over my health was disheartening to me and frustrating to my spouse, but nevertheless, I recovered well enough shortly after their departure.
December was cold, I guess. And tense. Christmas was a quiet affair, as we unwrapped presents by the tree, just the two of us, before heading out for our traditional Christmas Day Chinese Buffet meal. At this point we had a short term roommate. A good friend of both of ours. Having him around was nice, as I enjoyed the comfort of having someone else in the house without the intrusiveness of having someone in the room constantly. My partner would go to work, I would focus on my failing business, and our roommate would sit in his room playing video games.
January was almost the end of everything. My business venture was officially a flop, having been promised a multitude of commissions, none of which actually panned out. The cold was keeping me constantly indoors, and my spouse was getting more at wits end with my lack of job by the day, and understandably so. While he simply wished for me to keep my word and help our family, I was more focused on finding a position that would make me happy. Something I could be proud of. In today’s society, I guess there’s no room for that. Eventually the D word was spoken, and I felt the weight of the world come crashing down on my head.
It’s unfair to sum up January to that end. Especially when that’s right about the time everything changed for the better. It was in January, toward the end, that everything came to a head and life as I knew it was completely redefined. You see, my partner had begun going to therapy. I had a new therapist as well, but was still not on any medication, as my previous doctor closed her practice last July. I attended a therapy session with my partner and his therapist in a last ditch effort to save whatever we had left. She recommended me to a new doctor, and everything took off like a rocket.
Suddenly I had a new doctor that I really liked, who re-diagnosed me and put me on medications that have worked miracles. Within days of that occurrence, I managed to get in contact with the owner of a local vape store, and was offered the job of a lifetime. One of my best friends and the girlfriend of my roommate moved in part time to be with him, which offered a vast amount of support and happiness. It was surreal that within the course of less than a week, everything had gone from so so so bad to so so so good. I was happy. My partner was happy. And our marriage was on the up and up.
February, everything was good. Valentine’s Day was subtle, but sweet. I still have the card he gave me. It’s a poodle sitting on a pile of bones and says, “The nice little things you do really stack up. Thank you.” He included a little love letter that I keep as a daily reminder of when he had faith in us again.
March, everything was even better. I was absolutely in love with my job, my medications were proving to have lasting positive effects, and we were really moving forward as a couple. I believe to heights we have never attained before.
April was beautiful. Finally, the warmth of spring was here, making me even more happy than I already was. I saw that the dogwood sapling we bought at the festival last year had made it through it’s first winter, and it felt symbolic of the ups and downs that had finally brought my spouse and I to the loving place we are now. As a birthday gift to my partner, we took a trip to Tybee Island for a weekend, renting a beautiful little beach cottage and all in all having a wonderful romantic time together (except for the shark. But that’s a different story.)
It’s now 11:14PM, May 3rd. I was fired yesterday. I’ve never been fired from a job before, and it was quite a shocking experience. I personally believe that my termination was due to pre-planned manipulation and a simple miscommunication. I won’t go into the details of it here. All I will say is that I feel hurt, betrayed, angry, sad…and what’s a more polite way to say “screwed over”? My partner is being exceptionally sympathetic, empathetic (two different things), and seems just as shocked and hurt as I am. My anxiety still lingers in the back of my mind saying, “Find a job as fast as you can so things will stay good!” My depression says, “You’ll never find another job that makes you as happy as that one did. You’re doomed to a miserable dead end career.” I’m trying hard not to listen to those thoughts. I think I might try to get out of town for a little bit, just to clear my head. Then I guess it’s back to the drawing board. My spouse has two rather large ideas/suggestions that might resolve the issue of my employment. Seeing as I suddenly have my weekend free, he and I will take that time to discuss our options.
And I’ve asked my blog host site to remind me to post something at least once a week. I’m going to try my best not to do this again. I need to write when things are bad AND when they’re good.