Saw my new therapist again today. She’s really nice and I think we’re going to accomplish a lot together. Already I’m beginning to disassociate myself from my anxiety, which I guess is a good thing. We talked about how I can regard my anxiety as a separate part of me. An entity that is connected to me. Right now it’s bigger than I am, like a giant unruly dog. But in time I can teach myself to shrink it down and pop it in a kennel for awhile. If that makes sense to you. I mean, it does to me.
Then she told me she thinks I’m agoraphobic. Yet another diagnosis to tack onto the list. I’ve been told bipolar 1 and 2, major depressive, that I have social anxiety disorder, general panic disorder, dermatillomania, and now this. Not to mention that I’ve also been told I have phobias out the wazoo. Driving, human contact, social situations, germs, etc. I just want an answer that fits. Not saying she’s wrong. She would know better than I would I guess. I just want the right answer for a change. Cause yeah I might be fucked up but there’s no way I’m THAT fucked up, ya know?
But speaking of answers, I’m officially on a quest to find some. The first leg of my quest was today in therapy actually. I explained to my therapist that I have constant fatigue that is literally physically painful and sometimes hinders me from functioning at all. I asked her if she thought it might be fibromyalgia. Then I told her that on the one hand I’d feel wrong about diagnosing myself with anything. But on the other, no one else has gotten it right yet. I asked her opinion on whether or not I should talk to my doctor about it tomorrow (I made an appointment to discuss my meds) and she thinks I should. Then she made mention that she had in fact asked me if I had fibromyalgia when we first met. So tomorrow I’m going to ask my doctor about it and see if I can’t get on Cymbalta. I’m already on Abilify for depression, so maybe she’ll be willing to change it and see what happens. It’s an anti-depressant that’s supposed to help with chronic fatigue/pain, from what I understand. Up until yesterday I was pretty miserable because I thought fibromyalgia had been ruled out over a year ago by some blood work I had done. But I just learned that a) that doctor was an idiot because b) there’s no blood test to determine fibromyalgia. Now you might be asking yourself why I’d be happy to have fibromyalgia. Well because at least it’s an answer. And if it’s not that, then the next most likely diagnosis would be chronic fatigue syndrome, which there’s no real treatment for. Get enough sleep and eat healthy. That’s pretty much it, and I already do those things. So anyway, yeah…I need to figure this shit out. Because it’s ruining my life.
Coming up next: A conversation with my anxiety.