So I talked to my therapist about my breakdown. What all did he have to say? Talking in therapy is always so strained for me, because I’m really not a big talker. So by the end of it I’m often overwhelmed with information and left feeling a little on the confused and “fuzzy” side. I wish therapy could be relaxing for me like it is for other people.
Anyway, we ended up attributing my breakdown to the disruption of my normal work schedule. I went to Arkansas for a long weekend, and I didn’t work while I was there. Then for two days after I got back I didn’t work because my spouse took time off to spend with me. Then immediately after that I got sick, so I didn’t work then either. Then was the weekend and I didn’t work that either. After all that time, suddenly jumping straight back into work headfirst proved to be too much for me and I lost it. I don’t know how I could have done things differently to ease back into…actually, yeah I do. I could have worked a couple hours here and there over the weekend. But that thought never occurred to me at the time. (Like really, it’s only coming to me right this second.) So anyway, yeah…I “flooded” myself, and my anxiety and stress got the better of me, making it to where I only got in about three hours of work on Tuesday.
The next thing we discussed was my self worth. I made the mistake of telling my therapist that my job was pretty easy. And he jumped all over that word. I think the realization hit him all at once that because I don’t make the kind of money that my spouse makes, and because I find that my work comes easily to me (when I’m not busy freaking out about it) that I believe my job/work/efforts are less valid and have less worth than his. My therapist said that “easy” is a subtle way to be condescending about the work I do because it implies that I have room to be lazy with it, when that really isn’t the case. I told him that until the end of the day (when I look back at all the work I’ve done) I sometimes do feel lazy because my work doesn’t really feel like work to me. At least not when I’m actively doing it and not stressing over it. Then we spent a few minutes discussing the fact that just because I enjoy my job doesn’t mean I’m slacking off or that my job is meaningless. Or in other words, I don’t have to hate my job to make my effort worth something.
It’s really interesting typing out all the stuff I discussed in therapy today. I might start doing it every week, even if only as a reminder to myself to consider the things we talk about and think outside the box. What are your thoughts on the subject? Inquiring minds want to know.