I Want to Cry (Carmen Has A Meltdown)

Published March 27, 2013 by Carmen Lamiarum

I just chugged two of those five hour energy things. Correction. I drank one an hour ago. I just finished off another. Why? Because this shit is supposed to be like liquid motivation, right? Real reason why? Maybe I’ll throw up and give myself an excuse to lie down for awhile. Because I’m self destructive like that.

I’m so mad at myself right now. I’m supposed to be working. But what am I doing? Nothing important. Why? Because every time I try to work I get white noise in my head and I can’t think. My brain gets all fuzzy and I can’t write anything decent. I can do this, and that’s it. Even this isn’t up to par with how I know I can write if I really apply myself. I used to bullshit A papers left and right in school. And then something happened and now when I try to write anything my head gets all out of sorts. I’m supposed to be writing 40 hours a week for work. At least, that’s what I promised my spouse I would do. My goal for today was a modest ten articles. It’s 1AM and I’ve written three. The white noise is so bad I don’t even remember what those three were about.

I took an hour to try and clear my head. Went and got gas. I was so stressed that I bought a pack of cigarettes, too. And then I went to the grocery store for some five hour energy and a thingy of honeydew and cantaloupe. I feel like I could cry, but nothing is coming from my eyes. I don’t know what to do with myself. And talking to my spouse…oh Christ. That’s not even an option. I’m terrified to try and talk to him about any of this. He’s…ohp. There’s the tears…

He just doesn’t seem to understand. It’s not that I don’t want to do this job. I really do. Next to dancing again, this is my dream job. I don’t…I don’t even understand any of this myself. I’m just so scared of losing him over this. If I blow this job, I’m afraid it’ll all be over. My brother made a good point. That maybe it’s all the pressure from my partner that’s causing me to become mentally incapable of functioning when it’s really necessary. I’m shutting down because of the stress of it all. Fear of losing my relationship is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And I really don’t handle stress well at all. I have practically no skills when it comes to productively dealing with it. Growing up, I was extremely self-abusive. When I was stressed out, I dealt with it through starving myself, or cutting/burning myself, or doing drugs. So it makes sense that I bought a pack of cigarettes and chugged energy bullshit today. If I cut myself my relationship WILL be over. So that’s not an option. (And really, he’s the only reason I don’t do that anymore.) I recognize that I’m stressed out. And that my stress is impairing my ability to work. Which is making me more stressed out. And I’m trying to deal with that stress, but all I know to do is be self-destructive. Now it’s through wine, or insane amounts of food, or energy drinks and cigarettes…I’m still hurting myself, I’m just not bleeding on the carpet these days. Counting to ten isn’t helping. Neither is deep breathing or mantras.

I heard somewhere that if you repeat something at least three times to yourself it is more likely that you’ll succeed because you’re affirming the idea to yourself or whatever.

I will stop stressing.

I will stop stressing.

I will stop stressing.

Nope. Nothing.


2 comments on “I Want to Cry (Carmen Has A Meltdown)

  • Stop!
    I won’t mince words here. The world is a very hard place, and life sucks. It always does and always will. However, you and you alone choose how to react to this shitty place. Do I wish I was back in High school? Yes. Where those the happiest days of my life? Yes. But I choose to look forward and keep my eye on the ball of what I want.

    It won’t be easy to choose how you react to things. The old saying is when you are in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. Stop, realize where you are, realize what is causing this. you’ve already realized what is causing this, step one is finished. Now, what do you do about it?

    That, is the hard part, and I have no answer for. The best I can say is set a goal, and work towards it. There is no try in this case, do or do not do. The choice is yours, and your alone. I can help, I can give advice, I can be a pillar to support/encourage/guide you, but you must walk the path. And then it will be worth your while.

    Is this a cold response? Yes. Do I want to see you succeed? Yes. Do you have friends rooting for you? Yes (at least two, I being one.) am I cold hearted? Most likely.

    I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.

    Your one, your only,

    P.S. I’ve got a pair of pom-poms, a mini skirt and a tight shirt, I’m ready to start cheering for you!

  • Hi sweetie,

    That is so frustrating to read but you must understand it is normal to have bad days in whatever profession you are in. No one can be perfect every day. You are going to have your good days and bad days. I don’t think you know much about sports but that is the best example of analysing performance and trying to appreciate why things happen. Even the best sports people have their good days and then they also have their bad days. What causes a bad day is very psychological. Usually bad days are triggered by minor things which causes doubt in the persons mind. They start reflecting on why things happened rather than what they should be doing next. So they start looking lethargic and disinterested and the bad day just perpetuates. When I start having my bad days I start thinking positively rather than the annoying things that have must happened. I think I have done this 100 times before and it is a piece of cake. In fact I am the best person in the world at this and I can do this better than anyone else and even if it is a bad day.

    Your brother is right you are putting too much pressure on yourself. You just need to understand there will be days you will not be as productive as other days. That is normal and do not worry about it, rather just look forward to the next task

    I am a strong believer of having to be at a place at the right time to get most out of the situation. So if you stick with it the right time will eventually come around. Sounds a bit silly but I can give you so many examples of timing in my life it is not funny. In other words, for you to be creative you need to be close to your office at the right time to make the fullest of the creative spurt you will have during the day.

    You also have been I’ll for a few days.and although physically you may feel better mentally it still could be dragging you along. I also find if I am sick for say one day. The next day although I may feel better my body will not be as competant as it should be. So my rule of thumb if you are sick for a day then you should give your body a day extra to get to full speed. If you are sick for 3 days then you can’t expect your body to be at full speed for 3 days after you think you are feeling well.

    So please do not put so much pressure on yourself. It is ok what you are experiencing. If someone doesn’t understand what I am talking about then they have never pushed themselves to the limit often enough to understand bad days happen when you do push yourself day after day.

    Please accept it, don’t worry about it and accept my hugs.

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