It seems this week that the theme is options. According to my spouse, I think quite pessimistically about the matter. He believes that at this moment in my life I am being put in a position in which I am presented with a blank slate. I can do or be anything I want.
The biggest example is with school. He thinks now is the perfect time for me to get back into college and do whatever it is I want to do. Unfortunately for me, “what I want to be when I grow up” is a subject I’ve been pondering since childhood, and I still don’t have an answer. I mean, I do, but I don’t. I want to be a domestic engineer, as my mother calls it. A housewife/SAHM. I want to spend my life homeschooling kids and cooking dinners and clipping coupons. But for some people, that’s not a good enough answer. I need a fallback. A career that I can turn to in case of an emergency. So what do I want to do? Well, anything I’ve ever considered would require a degree. At least I know which college I want to go to. Just not what I want to go for.
When I was in college, I was an art history major. I wanted to be a curator. That’s still on my list of things I think I’d enjoy. But so is being a teacher (of art, music, elementary education, English, French, or history), librarian, therapist, novelist, SEO writer, college professor, painter, wedding coordinator, zoologist, and more. And so many people have told me, “Well just take your core classes and then decide,” which is all well and good. Except that I haven’t figured out what I want to do in the last (almost) 27 years. What good is two more years of pondering going to do? And this is where my negativity seems to come in. That and in the fact that I don’t have money for school. If someone paid for my tuition for me, that’d be one thing, but really, no one is going to do that. I doubt I’d even qualify for any scholarships or grants at this point.
Just thinking about it all is so overwhelming and stressful. Applying for scholarships, figuring out the (real) cost of tuition and books, adapting to college life, choosing my course schedule…these things were never taught to me. Some idiot out there thought it was more important that I learn the Pythagorean theorem than stuff like college prep, credit scores, and how to file my taxes. That, coupled with my anxiety, can be pretty crippling when it comes to actually moving forward and doing something with my life. Even now, I’m getting tense and anxious just thinking about it. I want to do some research and get the ball rolling, but I have no idea where to start. My mind races and I do nothing.
This is turning into a blog that’s more about anxiety and less about college and options that I have. Which sucks. I think I’ll stop here. If anyone out there has any suggestions, tips, or just opinions, feel free to leave them in the comment section. I, of course, read them all. Thanks.