There seem to be two sides to me, and they’re like polar opposites. I haven’t really gone into this duality i my blog, but I’m sure at some point I will. Right now though, I want to focus on the side of me that sucks. What I call my Anxiety Side.
I was invited out to a pub tonight by one of my favorite people ever. Actually, she said she was going to a cafe first, then to a pub. Now, I’ve been to this pub before. It’s on the square, so the roads are all funky and traffic is a bitch. (Anxiety: 5/10) Then there’s so many people there that you can’t help but feel crammed in and suffocated. (Anxiety: 7/10) My skin tingles when people touch me, and it’s not a pleasant feeling. It’s almost like pins and needles, but more subtle and infuriating. This will be bound to happen there. And you know, we’ll most likely end up outside because there’s slightly less people (still a sardine can) and a pretty cool bonfire. But blaze aside, it’ll still be cold as fuck and I’ll be doomed to break into a nervous and cold sweat, like I do every time. (Anxiety: 9.5/10). All in all, it sounds like a horrible time.
But I want so badly to go. I want to go because my friend wants me there and I would do anything for her. I want to go because I want to get out of the house sometimes. I want to go because I want people to talk to me and I want to be social and friendly. I just don’t know how, really. (Chronic bitchface, like I said before…) I don’t want to be anxious. I want it to just be like any other normal person going out to have some fun. Why does my anxiety have to peak and make this decision on whether or not to go to a damn bar so difficult? She’s my friend. It should be a fun time.
It’s no fun when you’re stuck in a panic attack in public, just trying to look and seem okay to the people around you. *sigh* I just wish I was normal and able to do simple things without it being a big deal.
Should I go tonight? Should I fight through the anxiety even though I know doing so will ruin any chance at a truly good time? Or should I say fuck it and stay home? I won’t be anxious, but I will be bored. I don’t know what to do.