The Open Door

Published January 29, 2013 by Carmen Lamiarum

It’s no secret that for the majority of our relationship, my spouse and I have been poly-amorous. If you don’t like the big words, we’ve been in an “open” relationship.

About six months ago though, the decision was made to “close” it. I’ll admit that I didn’t really want to, but it is one of those kinds of decisions that takes the consent of more than one person. And if just one member of the party says no, then the answer is no. Being that I respect my marriage first and foremost, I went along with the plan.

However, last night while we were just gabbing about nothing in particular, the topic came up, and we ended up re-evaluating the situation. It seems that over the last six months, some new information about my own past has shed some light as to why I am of a poly-amorous nature. Past trauma, coupled with a deep level of bisexuality (that goes far beyond just sex and gender and into a bunch of long-winded psychology) makes for the perfect explanation of why I feel the need to be with more than one person at one time. Fortunately, my spouse has a little bit of this need as well, and has declared that he is perfectly okay with the concept.

Thus, we are once again in an open relationship.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t rules though. This isn’t some horny free-for-all. We must be mindful of self-preservation at least, if not ultimately the preservation of our relationship.

1. Premeditation: We must each consult the other before any sexual act occurs with someone else. Meaning that if I’m going to be with someone else, I have to tell him about it first, and vice versa.

2. Involvement: We each have the opportunity, at the point that the subject is broached, to express an interest in witnessing or participating in the event.

3. Veto Power: Neither of us are the sort to have an interest in sleeping with someone we don’t know well and trust. However, should the other feel uncomfortable about the event for any reason, they have the power to prevent it from occurring.

Honestly, I feel like I once again have a wonderful opportunity to improve my marriage. You might think of it as backward, but it’s really not. Think about when you go on a vacation: You’re excited to go on an adventure. You spend a few weeks doing something new and thrilling and different, but toward the end of it you’re ready to go back home. I don’t know about you, but every time I come home from a trip I have a new-found appreciation for home. My city. My neighborhood. My house. All the things that are familiar to me, I end up valuing more. It’s refreshing to have restated to you, “This is where you belong”. So in keeping with the parallel, being in an open relationship provides the opportunity for a sort of sexual/romantic vacation, the end result of which being that I reaffirm how happy I am with my relationships.

Before I close, I would like to make one little note. I don’t in any way wish to contribute to the rampant biphobia that circulates the internet. While my bisexuality (on the psychological level, not the physical, as I said) does contribute to the overall decision to be in an open relationship, it is not the key reason. I am not “greedy”, nor am I a slut by any means. In this instance, the physical aspect of bisexuality only means that I have twice as many options as a heterosexual person would. So there. 🙂

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One comment on “The Open Door

  • Ever since I know you, I have realized that you are a person who are true to yourself and who love with your whole self, and I have always admired that. If being poly-amorous makes you a happier person, I’ll support you each step of the way, if it doesn’t, I will try my best to give you good advice, even though, I may be afraid to hurt you with my advice sometimes.
    You rock.

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